Losing weight and loving yourself

Technically, I'm "In shape" since apple is considered a shape. Am I right?

There is no denying, I am and have been apple shaped for more than half my life. Discovering I was insulin resistant and have PCOS at age 21 helped me understand why I struggled with my weight, why I couldn't eat like everyone else and why I suffered from depression and chronic fatigue. You would think getting a real answer for nearly all of my health issues would put me into immediate high gear to lose weight, eat right and get healthy but here is the thing; Breaking 21 years of habit is hard. So much so that 9 years later, while I have definitely improved, I really have not made the change essential to get to a healthy weight.

 If I'm being honest, the real difficulty with losing weight isn't giving up foods or even getting in regular exercise. I eat bad foods and hide from exercise because of a short list of mental barriers that keep me from doing what I have to do.

Patience- I have to have more than most since my PCOS and Insulin resistance makes it a slower journey but I have found that I am not alone in this. I know so many women who struggle with PCOS, hormone imbalances and thyroid issues. Our minds are racing towards the finish line while our bodies are miles behind. Our minds stand at the finish line, jogging in place, routing our bodies on while our bodies take one step forward and ten steps back. And just when our bodies find a rhythm and start showing results, our minds start to feel the exhaustion and eventually fall over and pass out for the next 3 months until we find the strength to get back up and try again. Mean while our bodies are not where we left them. They didn't even go back to the start. Mostly likely they are 10 miles behind the start line. It is a frustrating process.

Fear- Developing an adult female body by age 12 was scary as hell. Male attention was often aggressive and unwanted. As an adult, every time I start losing weight and the attention comes, I run straight for a bag of candy and go hide in my house. There are two things I want from men who are not my husband. I want to either be invisible to them or I want them to fear me. FEAR ME!!!! Well, ok, not fear me. But respecting me would be nice.

The Sag- this is in the fear category as well. It's hard when you live in the Internet age. You see all these before and afters and you get it in your head that when you lose this weight you are going to be a tight body. But then, you step out of the shower, look in the mirror and realize that your stretch marks and aging skin are not going to let you look like anything but a hairless cat. Wrinkled and saggy. So which body do you decide to love to hate? Which is more important to you? Do you keep your overweight and unhealthy body simply because it fills your skin out, or do you choose your health and deal with the loose skin. Sure, I could get a tummy tuck but I've already had my breast reduction and feel like Frankenstein most days. Between the scars and stretch marks there is so little of my smooth skin left. Which one will make me hate my body the least?

Self Love- That's where the hardest choice comes in. The choice to just love myself no matter what. Fat, fit, stretch marks, scars.

If I can learn to love myself, to treat myself kindly, I will find the patience that I need, the strength that I need and the desire to keep going until I am healthy. Not skinny, not hot. Just healthy. Beauty is  nearly useless at this point in my life. It is merely a hobby, not a necessity. My health is essential to being with my family as long as possible. It is essential to my mental stability, to keeping my family healthy and to set the right example for my boys about what is truly important. If I don't want my boys to search out vain women than I need to stop treating myself like my only worth comes from being physically beautiful.

That doesn't mean giving up make up or dressing nicely. I have found a new love for makeup and I know that looking good can help you feel good. It just means making it clear to yourself and your children that those things are an afterthought to the real happiness that being healthy can bring.