Losing weight and loving yourself

Technically, I'm "In shape" since apple is considered a shape. Am I right?

There is no denying, I am and have been apple shaped for more than half my life. Discovering I was insulin resistant and have PCOS at age 21 helped me understand why I struggled with my weight, why I couldn't eat like everyone else and why I suffered from depression and chronic fatigue. You would think getting a real answer for nearly all of my health issues would put me into immediate high gear to lose weight, eat right and get healthy but here is the thing; Breaking 21 years of habit is hard. So much so that 9 years later, while I have definitely improved, I really have not made the change essential to get to a healthy weight.

 If I'm being honest, the real difficulty with losing weight isn't giving up foods or even getting in regular exercise. I eat bad foods and hide from exercise because of a short list of mental barriers that keep me from doing what I have to do.

Patience- I have to have more than most since my PCOS and Insulin resistance makes it a slower journey but I have found that I am not alone in this. I know so many women who struggle with PCOS, hormone imbalances and thyroid issues. Our minds are racing towards the finish line while our bodies are miles behind. Our minds stand at the finish line, jogging in place, routing our bodies on while our bodies take one step forward and ten steps back. And just when our bodies find a rhythm and start showing results, our minds start to feel the exhaustion and eventually fall over and pass out for the next 3 months until we find the strength to get back up and try again. Mean while our bodies are not where we left them. They didn't even go back to the start. Mostly likely they are 10 miles behind the start line. It is a frustrating process.

Fear- Developing an adult female body by age 12 was scary as hell. Male attention was often aggressive and unwanted. As an adult, every time I start losing weight and the attention comes, I run straight for a bag of candy and go hide in my house. There are two things I want from men who are not my husband. I want to either be invisible to them or I want them to fear me. FEAR ME!!!! Well, ok, not fear me. But respecting me would be nice.

The Sag- this is in the fear category as well. It's hard when you live in the Internet age. You see all these before and afters and you get it in your head that when you lose this weight you are going to be a tight body. But then, you step out of the shower, look in the mirror and realize that your stretch marks and aging skin are not going to let you look like anything but a hairless cat. Wrinkled and saggy. So which body do you decide to love to hate? Which is more important to you? Do you keep your overweight and unhealthy body simply because it fills your skin out, or do you choose your health and deal with the loose skin. Sure, I could get a tummy tuck but I've already had my breast reduction and feel like Frankenstein most days. Between the scars and stretch marks there is so little of my smooth skin left. Which one will make me hate my body the least?

Self Love- That's where the hardest choice comes in. The choice to just love myself no matter what. Fat, fit, stretch marks, scars.

If I can learn to love myself, to treat myself kindly, I will find the patience that I need, the strength that I need and the desire to keep going until I am healthy. Not skinny, not hot. Just healthy. Beauty is  nearly useless at this point in my life. It is merely a hobby, not a necessity. My health is essential to being with my family as long as possible. It is essential to my mental stability, to keeping my family healthy and to set the right example for my boys about what is truly important. If I don't want my boys to search out vain women than I need to stop treating myself like my only worth comes from being physically beautiful.

That doesn't mean giving up make up or dressing nicely. I have found a new love for makeup and I know that looking good can help you feel good. It just means making it clear to yourself and your children that those things are an afterthought to the real happiness that being healthy can bring.

Beauty- March's Ipsy Bag

Catching up! I know it's not on the right day of the week but I want to post quickly about March's Ipsy bag since April's should be here in the next day or so.

I really loved March's Ipsy bag even more than February's, despite being only 4 products rather than 5 this time. I saw that a lot of people complained about that but when you sign up it clearly states that you will receive 4-5 products a month in your make up bag. And considering the quality of products received, it's kind of silly to complain.

Here is what I got in my lovely bag designed by California artist, Klari Reis:

The Chella eyeliner came in Indigo Blue. It's really pretty and the application tip is amazing. I plan on shelling out the $24 for one in black because it really is worth it. I have never had such an easy, mess free experience putting on liquid eyeliner.

Wearing Chella's Indigo Blue eyeliner

The Pixie flawless beauty primer gives my skin a really pretty glow which I desperately need as I have very pale skin. It's shimmery but not obnoxious. I'm a 30 year old Mom who wants to look good without looking like I'm trying to be 21. I don't like sparkles but I do like a subtle glow and Pixie's beauty primer is perfect for this.

I also got the NYX Love in Rio Pallet eye shadow trio which is nice but a little dark for me. I don't wear eyeshadow often and when I do I try to stay away from darker colors because they make my eyes look droopy and small. I did end up using it and was impressed with it's stay and it didn't seem to fall under my eyes like other shadows Ive used in the past. I think the problem for me is that I lack a knowledge in eye shadow application. But I did like it and I'm sure I'll use it on special occasions.

The one product I was disappointed in (or rather, disappointed in getting) was the Bare Minerals Marvelous Moxie lip stick in Get Ready. HOWEVER, as I've said before (or maybe not) I am not a fan of lipsticks. They make me feel elderly and in my opinion, only emphasize how small my upper lip is. I put some on anyway and was not a fan of the color for me but the actually lip stick is rich and creamy and has a good stay.

Considering that Ipsy cost a total of $10 a month, the Chella eyeliner alone cost $24, illustrating just how great of a deal you get with your Ipsy subscription. If you are interested in signing up follow THIS LINK. You'll do me a solid by helping me earn Ipsy points to use towards free products. In full disclosure, you may or may not be put on a waiting list. Ipsy has been allowing people to get off this waiting list by either providing a link to simply post on Facebook or by giving you a link that is a sign up referral link. If you have any friends and family interested in signing up, they can follow your link to do so, getting you off of the waiting list and helping you to earn extra IPSY points towards free products.

Also, it's important to say that after you get your bag, if there is something that you wanted but didn't get, or in my case, something you loved and want more of, Ipsy provides you with links to the products along with promotion codes to get discounts or free gifts on purchases of that product. So when I want to buy my Chella eyeliner in black, I can use the promotion code they gave me to get 25% off. I've seen codes for up to 50% off of products for that month as well.

Off topic from Ipsy and back on the subject of lipsticks; even though I don't wear lipstick, I have come to appreciate and wear a lot of tinted lip glosses, butters and balms. Recently on Pinterest, a friend pinned Revlon's Colorburst Lip Butter in a pretty color. When I went to buy it, I forgot which shade I wanted and ended up buying it in Sugar Plum.

I didn't realize until I got home and opened it, how dark it was but it's lip butter so it doesn't go on like regular lipstick so I ended up loving it and wear it everyday. If you are like me and want a little lip color but don't like lipstick, I definitely recommend this product.

That's it for today. I'll post about April's Ipsy bag this Tuesday.